And then God meets me.

I'm not sure if I have something to write tonight. But I have a few hours off and I won't be able to do this for another three weeks so I might as well take advantage of it, yes? And I'm sure my mother will be happy. Too much has happened these last two weeks to recount all the beauty and relay all of the stories.

What has been most profound is my utter desperation for help. I began to discover this disconcerting truth while in Oregon. I cannot do this on my own. On my own, I am selfish, rude, judgmental and unloving. Deep down, I am a jerk. And yet, and yet there is something moving me toward good. There is a Good that propels me to do good.

I'm spending four weeks with high schools students. Supervising hot dogs burnt over a fire, dishes being washed, rinsed and sanitized, mediating conversations, explaining how to tie knots, scheduling transportation, facilitating group activities, processing events, asking questions instead of telling answers, entering into their lives. And wow, I'm so ill equipped. I don't know if it's okay to pour the bacon grease in the fire, what we are going to do all day tomorrow, how to answer life's deep questions or be a perfect example of Jesus. And at the same time, I'm being used.

My most lame attempts are being redeemed into something meaningful. At least that is the hope right? I am poor, weak and weary. I need help. I need Jesus.

28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

29 With your help I can advance against a troop [a] ;
with my God I can scale a wall.

30 As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

31 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

32 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

35 You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.

36 You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

Psalm 18:28-36


68"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel,
because he has come and has redeemed his people.
69He has raised up a horn[d] of salvation for us
... to enable us to serve him without fear
75in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.

Luke 1:68-69, 75

I start to question..."but wait...?" "is it just...?"

And then I remember how I can't do it alone. How ill-equipped I am to love well and live well.

And then God meets me. And helps me along.