Enough of Something.

Spiritual enough.
What does that mean anyway? I'm not really sure.
I just don't feel like I am.
And I desperately want to be.

I'm not fervent. Or holy. Or righteous. Rough around the edges. Struggling and failing all over the place.
But I'm seeking you Lord. I'm trying. I am failing and trying. Is that enough? The enough that I am looking for? I am not sure what this standard I've created looks like, the mark of which I am falling so short. Short of where I think I see other people reaching. This nebulous place where one is finally there. Humble. Teachable. Righteous. Loving. Wise. Faithful. Sacrificial. Life-giving.

And here I am, claiming the words, "My soul clings to you, your right hand holds me" [psalm 63:8]. I'm holding on for dear life, hoping my fingers don't slip. Speaking Psalm 51 as my own words.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

I need restoration, restoration of the joy of your salvation. I've got lots of questions and a clingy soul. It just doesn't feel like enough. But if you want a broke and contrite spirit, that I can manage. Because it's all I've got to give. So create in me a clean heart, O God. And renew a right spirit in me. While I will never be enough, you always will be.