Getting Lost.

I so quickly get lost in story.
I just watched Julie and Julia and I wanted to be a cook. Move to France. Wear pumps and a strand of pearls. I wanted to live in a tiny apartment. Be in love. Write consistently. Have ‘followers’.

I get lost in story and want to be something else. I have all these grandiose ideas. I want to do something, be something, that’s worth watching. Something that people can identify with. I have lists. Goal lists. Things I want to do or accomplish. Triathlon. Marathon. Garden. Cook. Writ. Decorate. Play music. Travel. Make pottery. I could sit here for hours, chronicling the things I want to do.

I haven’t “lost” myself like Julie in the film. I don’t need to escape my mundane existence through cooking or anything like that. But there is one thing I can identify with. I can identify with her necessity to establish deadlines, or she won't finish. I own a guitar and a keyboard. The former I’ve had since high school. The latter two years. I can successfully pound out a few chords on each. And that is it. It’s hard for me to stick with things for long. I flit from one thing to another. I so desire something opposite of that. One of the stories I want to live out is to be that very methodical person. And so, I try. I am finding I can attain some form of this in cleanliness. I can make my bed [most] mornings. I can sit at the table and read my bible, eat my breakfast and drink coffee every morning. It gives me a feeling of order. And a feeling of order gives me an illusion of peace.

It appears as though I’m not quite as adventurous as I think. And so the girl who once clung to "wanderlust" is now reveling in tidy sheets and oatmeal and coffee. What is happening?

I want to write something. I feel as though I’m always trying to write the better version of myself. The one I have not yet achieved. The problem is I’ll never know if I have arrived because I’m not fully certain of who that person is. I want to know Christ. I want to be more like Jesus.
At least that’s what I say.
Do I really, really believe that though? In the pit of me. In the depths of my being-do I really just want to be more like Jesus? Ideally yes.
But really I just want to be a better form of me...which would be Jesus...haha.

Help me rest in who I am. Here and today. Rest in my faults and weaknesses too. I want to claim the creation you’ve made me to be, a new one. One that changes yes, but that can brag about the fact that you dwell in me. That is consistent. That’s all the consistency I need. That's the best story I could ever write.