A Lovely Cup.

I rented Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren F. Winner yesterday on a recommendation of a very wise and wonderful woman named Pam Bush, who had just finished reading it. And now, not feeling so wise nor wonderful, I would like to recommend it to you. It is fantastic and I think I'll copy some of her quotes in a post before I return the book, but it has been good for me to read.

It is just what I needed. This morning I wanted to keep reading, but I needed to stop and process for a quick second. I always have this inner battle where I want to keep reading something, but I want to write about the words and phrases that impact me, and how it relates to my life. It's like when you have the flu and you have fluids coming out of both ends and have to decide whether you are going to vomit or...you know...
Do I write or do I read? Do I puke in the trashcan or the toilet? Same kind of thing. Except that the former is a much more enjoyable struggle, obviously.

So I took a moment to stop and process. I need to do more processing than I am currently while in this season of waiting. Thoughts and emotions are coming and going. Bubbling and building. And they need to be captured, reigned in from time to time and organized. So that is what I did this morning.

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I'm sitting at Kava House with a huge ceramic mug full of coffee. It's the low, wide, flattened kind of mug, the huge mouth full of a dark, chocolaty colored, goodness. It looks stark against the clean, bright white of the cup and saucer. I'm breathing. I walked here. I'm drinking coffee. I'm wearing my favorite off-white pajama shirt with the buttons down the front, chacos and my blue Sierra Designs coat that Tommy gave me is hanging on the chair behind me. I just read a good portion of a great book. Those are a few of the things that quiet me. That bring me back. Center me. Clean out my mind so that God can live there a little bit more fully.

Being in Grand Rapids, talking with people, and for some reason seeing myself through the eyes of those who know me well, I've been more cognoscente of whether or not I am walking the walk and talking the talk. So often I've been feeling like my lips and my heart are speaking different languages. Especially in my current stage of life. I'm figuring out my inconsistencies because I'm often times a walking contradiction, in my thoughts and ideas. I have rebelled and pulled more than ever before in my twenty-two years of life as of late. I mean I'm not doing anything absolutely ridiculous. It's really pretty tame. but it's this internal resistance. A skepticism, a readiness to argue, a propensity to keep one critical eye open. I want to be slightly rebellious and test things. Again, it's mostly harmless, but it's there none-the-less. And I'm starting to realize that it's silly. I'm finding some shreds of truth. Truth in tradition and they way things have been. There are reasons for things having been established the way they are. Perhaps I just needed to find this out myself. I needed to discover holiness in certain things. Feel the goodness. Taste the bitterness of those things that don't bring beauty and reflect the character of God, in order to taste the sweet things.

For some reason throughout this journey this passage:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

has been on my tongue and in my thoughts. I'm trying to figure out how I want to live-how I want to be-and really, to justify this new "inner rebellion" going on. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. So what are those things? I can use colorful words and have social beverages and waste hours on facebook. What if I'm looking to my own interests instead of to the interests of others? That kind of selfishness doesn't encapsulate Philippians 4:8. And I'm finding that while I don't think it's necessarily wrong, the occasional expletive, while fun, isn't always lovely. Or pure. Or excellent. And I'm realizing it because I feel it. Not because I've been told it's bad. Not because it's "unchristian"- but because those things sit in my mouth, filling it with a taste like stale, old cigarettes reminiscent of the taste on my lips after the Bottom 40at the Holiday Bar. It sits in my stomach like greasy, deep fried, clam strips we had in Boston on the hot fourth of July afternoon.

I want to practice those activities that are praiseworthy and noble. But I know that's not always going to happen. And that's the crappy part, or maybe the beautiful part because that's when Jesus steps in. Now, chances are I'm probably going to have a glass of wine and waste time on damn facebook. Let us hope however, and that my days and moments are filled with things that bring me closer. Closer to Jesus. Closer to the pure and the lovely. I want to speak words of truth. Listen intently. Take walks. Read and write. And have a cup of coffee or two. Because today-that is what brought me to an encounter with Truth. And that my friends, is lovely.